I’m too old for this shit
So Die Hard 4 is rated PG-13 after all. I don’t want to go, and don’t give me, “Well, I like that it’s PG-13, ‘cuz now I can see it, ‘cuz my parents are sooooo lame they won’t let me see R! PG-13 can still rock!” Fuck you, you were still swimming around in your father’s balls when Die Hard With A Vengeance was in theaters. Why should I give a fuck whether or not you can get in to see the new one? What do you know anyway? You just said you’ve never seen an R rated movie! That being said, that fact that it’s PG-13 is the least of the reasons I’m no longer interested. The best shit I’ve seen in years is Mr. Bean’s Holiday and that’s rated G. Of course, there will eventually be an unrated release of Die Hard 4, maybe by then I’ll want to see it. Before I continue, I just want to say that frankly, if a PG-13 rating for Die Hard 4 is your biggest concern in life and you’re over the age of 12, you just might be a fucking mope. Also, you have your head up your ass if a movie’s parental advisory rating is your primary barometer for the potiential quality of said film. I have a ton of reasons why Die Hard 4 looks like hardcore junk to me. The PG-13 is just the final nail in the coffin.
The first time I saw the trailer, I came in the middle, so I didn’t realize it was for Die Hard 4. I was all jazzed, because I thought it was a trailer for OMAC or some other super hero shit; when the title came up, I was very confused. In the opening of Die Hard, after McClane arrives in Los Angeles, he’s so disoriented and under the weather that he has to strip half his clothes off, run cool water over his head and make fists with his toes. Since he was physically incapacitated by mere jet lag and a sudden climate shift, it was all the more heroic when he stepped up and kicked ass when ass needed to be kicked.
Twenty years later, McClane can dodge flying cars and punch holes through walls with ease. Where the fuck does this movie take place, The Matrix? It’s called 4.0 like he’s Tron or some shit, and the plot is computer hackers crash computers which fucks up the economy, but old school McClane is going to fix the problem. You wouldn’t know it from the trailer though, because they show everything crashing but a computer. Speaking of which, does jumping from an exploding jet fighter to an exploding highway overpass to G.O.L.I.A.T.H. really fix computer crashes? Next time my computer locks up, I’m going to fill my microwave with a copious amount of marshmallow Peeps, set it on big ass bag of popcorn, and let it explode. That’ll show that pesky spyware! So who’s the head villain of Die Hard 4? This guy:
I gotta admit, he’s fucking scary. He was mad hardcore in Go. I had nightmares after experiencing the horror of The Girl Next Door. I was so emotionally scarred that the mere thought of him makes me lose control of my bowels and if it wasn’t for my trusty NASA space diapers, I wouldn’t even be writing about him now. In case you can’t tell, I’m being very sarcastic. Except about the horror of The Girl Next Door; it was horrifyingly horrible. Not his fault, but the point is the dude on the left is sure as fuck no Jeremy Irons. He’s so unscary that he was in Scream 2 and Laurie Metcalf was scarier then him. Don’t be fooled by her resume; Laurie Metcalf’s recurring stint on Desperate Housewives culminated in her unleashing the bloodiest fucking rampage Wisteria Lane has ever seen in the hands down best episode of the series. Does that mean I would be more inclined to see Die Hard 4 if Laurie Metcalf was the villain? Yes. Yes it does. Much more so in fact.
On top of that, the villain uses a PC. He must, because McClane teams up with the Mac kid to beat him. I used to like that kid when he first came on the scene, you know back when he would play the quirky underdog you didn’t want the monster to eat. Now he usually plays the smug prick you want to be eaten first. Every time I see one of those Mac ads, I want to punch him square in his fucking mandibula. The last movie I saw him in was Accepted, which was basically the worst episode of Saved by the Bell ever. Again, not his fault, but he needs to redeem himself big time. This role might not be the one to do it though; the most annoying character in the entire franchise to date was the computer hacker in the original (“Oh my god the quarterback is toast!”).
By the way, did I mention that this one is directed by the dude that made the Underworld series? You might like those movies, but they were just a bunch a convoluted bullshit that served as a flimsy excuse for a bunch of inbred hicks to run around the back woods at night shooting at each other. The first was a rip off of The Crow and the second was a rip off of Sin City. The Die Hard 4 trailer looks like he’s now ripping off The Matrix and True Lies and The Transporter. Um. . . shouldn’t he be ripping off Die Hard? What happened there? It’s pretty easy: set it at Christmas, set it in a confined space, give McClane a black partner or two, have nobody take him seriously because he’s falling apart at the seams, and cursing, a lot of cursing. Here’s some examples off the top of my head:
"Fuckin' California!" "Sir, this channel is reserved for police emergencies only." "No fuckin' shit lady, do I sound like I'm ordering a pizza?" "Fine, report me, come the fuck down here and arrest me, just send a fucking squad car, now!" "Come to papa, I'll kiss your fuckin' dalmation!" "Christ, Powell, he's a fucking bartender for all we know!" "Asshole? I'm not the one who just got butt fucked on national T.V., pal!" "How you feelin', Roy?" "Pretty fuckin' unappreciated, Al!" "You want authority? How about the United States Fucking Government?!" "Whoops. You think I'm fuckin' stupid, Hans?!" "You should've heard your brother squeal when I broke his fuckin' neck!"
If you want to see what Die Hard is supposed to be, check out the video below if you haven’t seen it already.
If I’m ever the lead in an action movie franchise, my partner is going to be some hot European chick like Billie Piper or Charlotte Gainsbourg or Romane Bohringer and that’s going to be our theme song.
Topping it all off, the cutting edge plot is ripped off of a movie older than the original Die Hard. I can’t remember the name of it, but the tag line was “It makes WarGames look like kid stuff,” and it starred the dude from Girls Just Want to Have Fun (The Movie!) and the chick from Just One of the Guys, not the hot chick that went drag, but the other chick that was her beard at the prom and then ditched her for the singer of the band (that fucking letch, he was like. . . 40 and shit and she was in high school). Anyway, those two wacky kids go on a bank robbing spree using hacked ATM cards and then the economy is threatened when some kind of super villain syndicate uses her hack on a global scale or some shit. I remember K.I.T.T.’s mechanic being in that movie; that year she wasn’t on Knight Rider because she was in that movie instead.
Hey, I could be wrong. For all I know, Die Hard 4 could be the greatest thing since jerking off. I know I said I don’t want to go, but what I really mean is, I don’t want to pay $12. I already spent my money seeing Surf’s Up, so if anyone knows of any free screenings, hook me up! Yippee-ki-yay mother fuckers!