In Defense of Lindsay Lohan

"Don't hate me because I'm young, rich, famous, talented and beautiful, with a rockin' body to boot!"

I just got home and all day, every news paper I saw had Lindsay Lohan on the front cover. You already know the story, I’m sure, she crashed her car and got arrested for a DUI, then got her picture taken passed out and vomiting the day after she was released. All the papers critisized her for getting high/drunk so soon after getting out of the hospital. So, why does everyone assume she’s high/drunk in those photos? You know what happens when you do a shit load of drugs and booze on a daily basis for a long time and then one day you don’t do that same shit load of drugs and booze?

You tend to throw up and pass out a lot. It’s called withdrawal, maybe you’ve heard of it. Give the woman a break! Is she paying your fucking bills? Is she the mother of your children? Is she unemployed for long periods of time? Why do you give a fuck if James Robinson scolded her in a letter for missing work? Like you never, ever, called in sick when you were hungover, especially at the age of 19, because you were so ultra-responsible, and you absolutely knew that if you missed work, the fucking Wal*Mart would go straight to pieces.

Granted, Lindsay Lohan is generally in a position where if she misses work, a lot of people’s bottom lines are affected (kind of like when Dave Chappelle fucked off to Africa without even bothering to call in sick). Was your bottom line affected? Or your millions of dollars? Did you pay money to see Georgia Rule and feel ripped off because she sucked in it?

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I ❤ Lindsay Lohan. Not in a crazy way. I like Mean Girls. I like Herbie: Fully Loaded. I like Just My Luck (ok, that last one might be slightly crazy, but Bree Turner is in it too). Lindsay, on the way off chance that you happen to be reading this because you stopped hanging out with your party friends and now have no life, and you need an understanding person to talk to, if Fez hasn’t put you off Latinos, I understand. A lot. Especially if you’re wearing a green bikini.