Elisabeth Hasselbeck

When being profound, dress appropriately

Elisabeth Hasselbeck
"I can't help it if my breasts are beautiful!"

Everybody is talking about this clip from The View in which Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Rosie O’Donnell get into a heated argument about the Iraq War. As far as I’m concerned, Elisabeth Hasselbeck will never win any argument about anything as long as she keeps raiding General Zod‘s wardrobe; her breasts are too distracting. I couldn’t focus on anything she was saying for more than a second, so it kinded of sounded like she was ranting about a football game she had on her TiVo. I didn’t get it. I have the same problem with the movie Short Cuts, because apparently the scene where Julianne Moore explains what the hell is going on is the scene I always zone out on because her vagina is hanging out. Click continue reading to see the clip (from The View, not Short Cuts).

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Escaped Orangutan

A harbinger of things to come. . .

Escaped Orangutan
"I will only talk to Roddy McDowall!"

In what seems to be a continuing global trend, another primate escaped from captivity and went after a human woman. You can click the picture to watch video of the latest escape and capture in Taiwan. The news readers seem to get a big kick out of it, but despite what the zoo propagandists would have you believe, an escaped primate is some serious shit. There are myriad ways a primate can fuck up a human such as inflicting puncture wounds, blunt force trauma, and good old fashioned herpes. The truly disturbing thing about all these stories is that the people in charge are generally like, "Duh. . . How did the gorilla escape? Um. . . fucked if I know!"

Escaped Gorilla at The Rotterdam Zoo

Ape Escape

Escaped Gorilla at The Rotterdam Zoo
Little did they know of the danger lurking in the shadows behind them. . .

The picture above cracked my shit up for about thirty minutes straight when I first saw it about thirty minutes ago (Note: I added the gorilla’s thought bubble). It’s from an article about an escaped gorilla at The Rotterdam Zoo. The shit is so wacky that if I didn’t read it at the BBC news site, I wouldn’t have believed it was a true story. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not cool that a woman got hurt while the gorilla was courting her, but the photo illustrates how clueless everyone at the zoo was. I watch 24 and I realize that if you’re looking one way, someone real stealth-like can get the drop on you from behind, but wouldn’t you be able to smell a fucking gorilla?!? Is this gorilla Roddy McDowall? Was he using Degree antiperspirant or something? Topping it off, the zoo workers can’t even figure out how the gorilla managed to escape his cage; the second half of the article reads like a hybrid of Land of the Dead and King Kong. The zoo director is even impressed with the gorilla, gushing, “He got over the moat, which in itself is remarkable because gorillas can’t swim.” I like to think he used a tree branch to pole vault over the moat.

 

Sahara Movie Poster

At least he didn’t get naked and play the bongos

Sahara Movie Poster
"I'm not Superman, but I play him when I'm stoned!"

Sahara is on Showtime right now and it’s pretty good. I didn’t expect Matthew McConaughey to come off well as an action hero, but the movie is tailored to his strengths. I never read any of the Dirk Pitt books, but I know Clive Cussler was pissed that his rugged straight arrow hero became a freewheeling stoner hero. Mr. Cussler bad mouthed the movie before it was released, and tried to sue producers because it flopped and made his work look like shit. The jury disagreed with him, and now Mr. Cussler has to pay $5 million for defaming the movie. I’m not sure what’s worse: having to pay the five mill or being told you’re full of shit and need to get over yourself as the primary reason you have to pay the five mill in the first place.

It’s too bad, because this seems like it would make a really good franchise and Mr. McConaughey seemed poised to ride it all the way to being the 21st century Burt Reynolds. Maybe he can remake Smokey and The Bandit with Jessica Biel as Frog, Snoop Dogg as Cletus and R. Lee Ermey as Sheriff Justice, or join the cast of Ocean’s Whatever The Fuck Number They’re Up To At That Point.

HOLY SHIT!! He’s windsurfing a plane across the desert! A fucking plane!! I have to watch the end of this.

David Faustino's Mugshot

“Marijuana” Bundy

David Faustino's Mugshot
"Dave's not here!"

David Faustino, best known as “Bud Bundy” on Married. . . With Children, got busted over the weekend for holding a gram of weed. In his defense, Dave’s last movie was called Puff, Puff, Pass, so he must have been employing “The Method.” Yeah, that mustbe it.

Read the story at TMZ.com.