I’m too old for this shit

Die Hard Bruce Willis still
"I don't fucking smoke anymore either!"

So Die Hard 4 is rated PG-13 after all. I don’t want to go, and don’t give me, “Well, I like that it’s PG-13, ‘cuz now I can see it, ‘cuz my parents are sooooo lame they won’t let me see R! PG-13 can still rock!” Fuck you, you were still swimming around in your father’s balls when Die Hard With A Vengeance was in theaters. Why should I give a fuck whether or not you can get in to see the new one? What do you know anyway? You just said you’ve never seen an R rated movie! That being said, that fact that it’s PG-13 is the least of the reasons I’m no longer interested. The best shit I’ve seen in years is Mr. Bean’s Holiday and that’s rated G. Of course, there will eventually be an unrated release of Die Hard 4, maybe by then I’ll want to see it. Before I continue, I just want to say that frankly, if a PG-13 rating for Die Hard 4 is your biggest concern in life and you’re over the age of 12, you just might be a fucking mope. Also, you have your head up your ass if a movie’s parental advisory rating is your primary barometer for the potiential quality of said film. I have a ton of reasons why Die Hard 4 looks like hardcore junk to me. The PG-13 is just the final nail in the coffin.
Continue reading

The cast of Logo's Curl Girls.

If everybody had an ocean

Mr. Pipeline comic art
This art was inspired by a photo at Gerry Lopez Surfboards.

I love surfing. Not that I can. I can’t even swim, but I ever since I was a kid, I have had a deep romantic love of surfing. If you would have asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would have answered, "Gerry Lopez!" Of course, I was the only one in my hometown who gave a shit about surfing. Historically, in fact, most of America doesn’t seem to take it seriously as a sport, considering how often surf competitions are broadcast on network television, which is never. Well, I think I remember seeing it on ABC’s Wide World of Sports once, but that was like, 30 years ago, so maybe I’m remembering it wrong. Surfing may be coming into it’s own in the States, though, if the current crop of surfing related entertainment hitting movie theaters and television screens these days catches on. Here’s my guide to the surf related entertainment out now, and what will be out in the next few months.

Continue reading

Lindsay Lohan and Garrett Hedlund in a scene from Georgia Rule

In Defense of Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan in a green bikini
"Don't hate me because I'm young, rich, famous, talented and beautiful, with a rockin' body to boot!"

 

I just got home and all day, every news paper I saw had Lindsay Lohan on the front cover. You already know the story, I’m sure, she crashed her car and got arrested for a DUI, then got her picture taken passed out and vomiting the day after she was released. All the papers critisized her for getting high/drunk so soon after getting out of the hospital. So, why does everyone assume she’s high/drunk in those photos? You know what happens when you do a shit load of drugs and booze on a daily basis for a long time and then one day you don’t do that same shit load of drugs and booze?

Continue reading

Billie Piper

Eccelston is Who on BBC America

Christopher Eccelston as Doctor Who
"I'm also fantastic on Heroes!"

Just flipped over to BBC America and they’re showing the complete 2005 season of Doctor Who today. If you’re in America, haven’t seen it yet and have cable, check it out if you can. As good as David Tennant is in the role, Christopher Eccelston is the fucking Doctor! Don’t take our word for it, watch the video below and see what some regular folks thought.

Billie Piper
Cheerleaders are so overrated.

Billie Piper along for the ride as the impossibly sexy Rose Tyler, sharp writing by Russell Davies (and others), tight direction by Euros Lyn (and others) and strong support from Noel Clarke and Camille Coduri made this series the new bar to be reached.

UPDATE/CORRECTION: BBC America isn’t showing the complete 2005 series today; they skipped over the episodes “The Unquiet Dead,” “Aliens of London,” and “World War III.”

Continue reading

Elisabeth Hasselbeck

When being profound, dress appropriately

Elisabeth Hasselbeck
"I can't help it if my breasts are beautiful!"

Everybody is talking about this clip from The View in which Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Rosie O’Donnell get into a heated argument about the Iraq War. As far as I’m concerned, Elisabeth Hasselbeck will never win any argument about anything as long as she keeps raiding General Zod‘s wardrobe; her breasts are too distracting. I couldn’t focus on anything she was saying for more than a second, so it kinded of sounded like she was ranting about a football game she had on her TiVo. I didn’t get it. I have the same problem with the movie Short Cuts, because apparently the scene where Julianne Moore explains what the hell is going on is the scene I always zone out on because her vagina is hanging out. Click continue reading to see the clip (from The View, not Short Cuts).

Continue reading

Michaela Conlin

I’m just a billy goat / trying to stay afloat

Billy Gibbons
"How do you make a 'Z' with your fingers?"

I just finished watching the season finale of Bones. It took me a couple of hours because I kept dozing off and thought I was dreaming a lot of it; but I’d wake up and rewind it and realize that this a really weird show. If you ever wanted to see David Boreanaz and Ryan O’Neal reenact Fight Club, Bones is the show to watch. I thought I dreamed that shit, but I was awake and watching that part. I rewound that scene twice, I couldn’t process that shit was actually on the show.

Michaela Conlin
Michaela Conlin, quite possibly the hottest scientist on TV.

I’m still trying to figure out how ZZ Top is that really hot Asian scientist’s Dad. Well, not the whole band, just Billy Gibbons, and I mean Billy Gibbons; he’s not playing a role, he’s himself on the show. Man, if your show is about science and genetic type stuff, you need to explain shit like that. I mean, she’s a really, really hot Asian scientist and he’s. . . Billy Gibbons.

On a related note, best wishes to Dusty Hill.